Reflections on Re-Entry #5

     My biggest fear of leaving Bolivia was that it would fade into the background like some dream.  I'm afraid of losing the language and I panic when the kids can't remember how to say something in Spanish.  I'm afraid that people there have gone on with their lives and forgotten me.  I'm afraid the kids won't remember Bolivia and not even miss being there.  It's like I'm clawing at the sand castle as the waves rush in and wash it all away and there's nothing I can do.  In a few short minutes it's like it wasn't even there and no one even cares...

When I saw this verse at the retreat, I felt the sobs come up from my stomach and the fear and the loneliness  from separation flooded out.  I didn't have the strength to acknowledge that most of my energy was trying to hang on and hold on tightly.  Oh, how absolutely exhausting!  To be able to be rational about it and know that it's impossible to hold it exactly as how it was.  And having the strength to face it head on and accept that.

But over time, God has given me this verse as a reminder.  My life there is seared onto who I am here.  Nothing can wash it away and not even the most amazing human strength can keep it tighter than it is meant to be.

I sometimes think I can hear the deafening whir of the cicadas and the growl of the micros or feel the drowsy heat of the sun on my face and shuttle myself back to Bolivia.  I know that no matter where I go, it'll always be there.  Just like the other places that I have lived; the trees of Thompson, the rain of Lax Kwa'alms, the sunsets on the hills of La Crete, the fog of Fresno.  I can't take those places out of me.  I walk along in my life and for a brief moment, I feel the rain, I see the trees, I stumble in the fog and I'm right back to those places as if it was yesterday.....

The people whose shared their lives with us and us with them, we are forever connected.  It's not like time will pass and somehow these things will be gone, like I've never experienced them.  How could it be gone?  It's intertwined in your being.  Your soul has been changed and can never be the same again.

I will never forget,
I will carry you with me as long as I have breath.