What a Journey

Part of why I wasn't blogging much was because I was very occupied with work. There had been many changes over the last few months; a new director of the department came and unfortunately over time wasn't a healthy fit. My boss, the coordinator retired in the spring and so I was left as the only person in my specific area covering two jobs. It was a combination of many factors that left me for almost 4 months doing the extra work and I was very tired.

I guess I had organizational and department loyalty, so I kept working beyond my energy level for quite some time. The job was overall enjoyable and I loved (and was drained by) the greater responsibilities. Plus there were difficult things going on in the workplace (and unfortunately in my case, had been since my first few weeks at work) that really took a toll on me. Sometimes when adversity creeps slowly into your normal, slowly erodes your healthy, you don't quite realize it until it's almost too late. People around me were also struggling and by summer, we were all very exhausted.

I was ready to throw in the towel, but somehow I felt that since I had invested a great deal into my work, I needed to invest energy into de-investing. Does that make sense? Carl was very supportive; he didn't try to fix anything but just stood by me, reminding me that whatever I chose, he would be there. I decided to engage in the workplace health process instead of quitting. Plus, with the coordinator position open and that really being the job I wanted, I needed to stay. Well, the director was gone by mid-summer and I was scheduled for an interview for the coordinator position. Though things were most definitely better, I was still on edge about what the future held.

At the end of summer I had my interview, which went really well. I felt prepared, I felt confident and I asked some insightful questions. However, when the days turned into a week after my interview, I had a sick feeling inside; I knew in my heart of hearts that the job wasn't going to be offered to me. And two days later, on my first anniversary of my job, I was told 'No'.

I was devastated because I had held out for months and had worked extra (I was compensated for taking on the coordinator role above my regular duties, don't worry). Most of all, I had endured a difficult season in the department for the hopes of being able to claim the reward of the job I had wanted right from the beginning. I remember the day last year that I started my position; I walked in and told myself that I wouldn't be doing this for more than a year. Everyone knew that my boss was retiring and he was quite vocal in his endorsement of me as a potential successor. To me, the administrative job was a stepping stone, not a landing pad. Oh, if I only knew then that it wouldn't be a move up but a move out.....I knew what I had to do. I wrote an eloquent resignation letter and gave my notice.

It was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make. Though it has not been without it's challenges, I really enjoyed my position for the last year. I have had fabulous co-workers and have gained so much insight and skill. I had thought that I was gaining experience, but I came to face the hard cold reality that what they were looking for was specific outside experience, something that no one who was interviewed had and so the offer wasn't given to anyone. I also realized that I have a limit to how much adversity I can endure. At some point, when things are going on that are out of your control, you have to walk away in order not to be hurt even more.

I was wondering what God was trying to teach me in all of this. I feel like I have certainly learned about letting go. I could boast last year that I have never applied or interviewed for a job I haven't gotten. Well, now I can humbly say that my last two interviews have resulted in a 'No'. That's a difficult thing to swallow for a prideful person like myself. I have also learned that God is moving and I can't understand if I am ploughing ahead on my own path. I could have made excuses and made anything work out, but that would have had ramifications in the future. I have to trust He has something bigger and better than I can even fathom; it just doesn't always come at the time or place I expect.

I managed to be able to agree to have a farewell. It was a good way for closure, for me to hear about how people were going to miss me and how people were able to come and say, "I'm sorry that you are leaving considering all you've been through. It is a real loss."  I was also able to share about why I was leaving and be honest about staying true to what I have set out to do. I didn't go back to work to make a little extra money. I didn't go back to work because I was bored at home. I didn't go back to work because I felt unfulfilled as a woman at home. I went back to work to gain skills and experience to move me up into leadership positions. That's where I feel I'm supposed to end up and staying in my current position with no chance to move up meant I had to move on.

The last few weeks I rested and cleaned. I spent time with my neighbour and friends and did things that I enjoyed. I also interviewed for a job at the University and was offered the job. I admit, I was a bit gun shy of starting somewhere new. Will I have meaningful work? Will I be appreciated and valued? Will it be a good balance with my family? Will I eventually have leadership opportunities? And more importantly in the here and now, Will I be healthy enough to handle working?

I read a beautiful and challenging devotion this week that in part said,

God is about to do something new, He starts small and speaks to those who are listening.....