I had grandiose plans of going through all my pictures and posting the most favourite of 2012, but then life got a bit busy and so I decided that instead of waiting until I had time (ha!) I would write about my thoughts on 2012.
Overall it was a good year. It started off with amazing news of jobs and the opportunity to move from the awful transitional state of stillness and waiting. Both Carl and I were blessed with being pleasantly surprised with our roles, how much we fit them, how much joy it gave us. It just reminded us how God works and how He places us in unexpected places.
With jobs we were able to purchase a home, for which I am continually thankful for. The space, the neighbours, the connections we are making because of this building we have been gifted has just been wonderful. Even with the fire and the overwhelming task of culling and sorting our material things, I learned a lot about dependence and faith.
Our kids. Wow. This year has been really good for them. They showed me how adaptable they are and how they just embrace life. New experiences like resuming piano and gymnastics, which were so different from Bolivia were met with courage and enthusiasm. Sure, it wasn't all perfect, but I was humbled at how they took things in stride (and I sat and sulked over such simple things in the meantime). It amazed me how they grew and entered into new stages. Not all stages are fun, but all are life giving if you chose that perspective.
I still have pangs of homesickness for Bolivia. I found that during the summer, with moving and the lack of air conditioning in our new home reminding me of the south, my thoughts didn't linger as long on Bolivia. But with the fall and the snow, I have been much more melancholy if you would call it. I struggle with the guilt and the unexpected flashbacks that leave me feeling quite sad at times.
But other things have been on my mind this year. I got to thinking a lot about poverty and justice when my friend challenged me to ride. Which made me question my purchases, how I spend my time and what I'm doing on a regular basis to alleviate pain and suffering around me and also bring joy. I also really struggled with witnessing so much brokenness around me with close friends. I asked God where He was when babies were born sleeping, or when marriages were being attacked, or close friendships crumbled to dust or when someone dies so senselessly.
It seemed that in 2011, there were so many emotions that ricocheted from one spectrum to another, leaving me quite tired. One moment of pure joy and happiness and then despair and anger. Being so overwhelmed with God's provision and His perfect timing only to witness what appears to be a hopeless and lonely situation. Up and down and up and down. That's how I entered into 2012.
This year (2012) however, I don't think the happenings have caused my emotions and thoughts to act like a hyperactive yo-yo, but more like a deep sea dive. Sometimes I feel like I'm just treading water, which can be exhausting, but at least you can breath and see the surface. Actually treading water isn't that bad and you get stronger doing it, well your legs do, but not your lungs.
But then for whatever reason, I'm plunged below the surface to go farther down than I anticipated, staying down longer than I wanted. I'm terrified of deep water, so this analogy actually leaves me with goosepimples. Down, down, down I go. I panic because I can't breath. Oh yes, He's provided with a breathing device. I have to trust, and just breath. But there are fish everywhere and they might bite me or even worse, just swim close and graze me with their slimy bodies. Panic! and I try to struggle to the surface. Okay, I can't go up yet, so after I pry open my eyes and attempt to relax, I can see all that is around me. There are beautiful fish and amazing coral and vegetation that leave me in awe. But then there is also death as the life cycle of the sea continues on. I stay a while and see it all. Then I return to the surface and resume treading. At some other point I may go on another dive, I don't know where, or when or for how long. And I don't know what I will learn or experience.
I think I'm changing too. Maybe I'm getting old. Or maybe this year is a season where I'm being prepared for something (ach, I admit I loathe that phrase) or will be changed. Who knows what is in store for 2013....
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