If I Would Blow

This morning I was reminded of how easy it would be for me to totally lose my cool and blast the closest person next to me. It was a bit of a rough morning as I watched and only partially understand someone taking their frustrations out on a number of people.

I didn't blast anyone this morning, in case you are wondering :)

Although I can see it; there is something totally freeing in the moment of just letting it all out, and holding nothing back. I have to say that since I'm a fairly passionate person and quite verbal, I'm ashamed that those times have happened in the past more than I would like to admit.

Unfortunately that moment of release is followed by days, weeks and even months of regret and pain. It's just not worth it. Consider the other precious person that has to now deal with the wounds that you've inflicted. I've been on the receiving end in the past, and it is absolutely awful.

I'm hoping it's more than understanding the consequences of verbally lacerating someone that has bettered me. Maybe the following things have shaped me too and today I was reminded of them. I'm going to make a list because Carl thinks it's hilarious how I have to categorize things; now I just make lists to confirm to him my obsession!

1) I served alongside Carl in a church

2) I was a teacher and I am a mom

3) I am unable to express myself passionately in Spanish

4) I married Carl


So this whole church thing, being in a pastoral role, well, that really shaped me. I discovered pretty quickly the pedestal we were placed on. We were responsible for many people's well-being and I couldn't just go spouting off any time I felt like it. I had to stop and think and talk and pray and put the other person first. Oh, that was hard. Maybe it was first to make sure I didn't get my husband fired, but after a short while, I realized that this calling of ours would be compromised and relationships would be harmed, people would be hurt.

Being a teacher, well, I don't have to do much explanation. A kid drives me nuts, I want to strangle him, but I don't, so I don't get fired. Okay, okay, not really. But as I began to understand the calling in a pastoral role, I realized that with a calling (including the one as a teacher) comes the opportunity to influence lives.

My role as a mother, well, everyday has it's challenges. Can I hear an Amen?! Someone, somewhere said that if you want to change the world, there are two places to do that; become a teacher or become a parent. I would say that this is true. But what a high calling, eh? There are days that I get frustrated and just would like to let that geiser blow, but then I stop for a second. I look down at the faces of small children, 6, 4, and 1. I think. What would that do to them now? What lasting impact will this make? How will this shape how they relate to others and eventually their own children? Is the release of my frustration worth that? Who do I want to model?

Living here, and not being fluent in the language does have it's limitations. But it's also like a lovely safety check for my quick mouth. I can relay information, ask questions, and I can even tell a joke in Spanish. But I can't get mad and express myself in Spanish and I can't quickly respond when someone else is mad. That pretty much takes out any opportunity for me to get into a fight with someone in Spanish. Such a lovely safety device. I hope that will remain long past my increasing fluency.

My dear husband is a long-suffering individual. It takes quite a bit to get him outwardly angry. He's not shallow emotionally by any means, and it some ways his still waters run deeper than my emotions on my sleeve. Over the years, I have seen him get very upset about things, passionate and angry. But never have I seen him blast into someone just to get something off his chest. Oh, there were so many opportunities, and he chose the high road, bit his tongue and walked away. But afterwards, he went back, talked calmly, expressed himself, worked through the situation. He put the other person first, even though it meant he had to carry his issue longer and farther. Many times, I would get angry that people didn't put Carl first. But he continued to take the high road. From that, I have learned a great deal.

So what am I trying to say with all this? Well, I realize that it has to be more than the consequences that stop us from lacing into someone else verbally. It can't just be about self preservation, ooooo...I might lose my job! They won't like me! I'll be a bad example! It's not about us, it's about the other person. What about their well-being? What about the relationship that is now poisoned? What about what they learn about interacting with other people?

If I have a problem with someone or something or I need to get something off my chest, how should I do it? I could speak in Spanish....:) or I could stop and wait and focus on the other person. Did you know you can get your point across and exchange words in a way that edifies both people? Did you know that the release from calmly and thoroughly talking with someone is much healthier than that destructive hollow feeling that drowns you once you blast someone?

I felt awful today for the people that were on the receiving end of someone's strong emotions. I understand that particular person had to get something off their chest, but there were so many better ways to do it. Carl and I later tried to be an encouragement, and we hope that we were able to help in the healing for the recipients. I learned a bit more today about relationships today. If everyone focused on the other person, even when we are angry, even when it's hard, we'd all be happier and healthier for it.

But I won't lie, there are just some days......

Thanks Lord, for walking with me on those days.